I immediately flashed back to the memories of last night when I had fallen asleep just by looking at his picture, or when I had his name written around my ring finger like a teenager does for her crush, or when I suffer from a dilemma whether to call him just to hear his voice or wait for him to take the chance as he'd promised me.
Stop it. I scolded myself . Stop it right now.
"Stop what?"
His voice caught me off guard to register I'd said the last part out loud.
"Nothing," I quickly answered to avoid further queries.
He raised an eyebrow in doubt, he knew I lied but thankfully didn't ask anything more.
"Right then, get up on the bed." His sudden bold remark had me stunned. What?!
Then I saw he was working up some notes there and....it was just a statement. Phew!! Stop overthinking. Thank Goodness.
As I was climbing up the bed he said, " Is it because of the heat that You're all covered up?"
I was on my knees and palms when I stopped to look at him over my shoulder, "Yes, it is extremely hot and sunny outside. I don't wanna get burned and I don't even know what exactly I'm here for?"
Great!! Out of nowhere I decided to be sound like a cold-hearted bitch.
What is wrong with me? What am I thinking?
"I mean...I know why I am here. I just didn't.."
"..Know whether you could do that." he completed for me. He smirked as if he could read my thoughts.
I hate it when he is right.
"I am here to talk," I said with a confidence in my tone. "Um, that's why I am here." Am I?
I sat on his bed crossed legs, I didn't know whom I was confirming him or me.
"So you say." He winked just the way he always used to.
He stood there by the side of the bed. I knew just then that He wouldn't take the lead and start what I expect of him.
"Daniel?!"
My suddenly soft,composed tone caught him by surprise, he had never heard me talking in such a low voice.
"I can't do this anymore. None of us knows where exactly we are heading. What this rela..." I gestured my hand between us " whatever this is. We both know how it would have worked in a city like Manhattan, and if it was about someone else...anyone I would have taken it lightly. But with you, it just not the same."
I paused hoping him to say something or at least discard the conversation, yet when he didn't I continued.
"I'm not asking you to leave aside everything else and give me all your time. You know I won't, but you could at least text me first other than when you want me to come over or call me some time just to know how I am...once in a while..maybe. Is that too much to ask for?"
I asked the same question again which I had quite a long time ago..back then his answer was a simple no.
This time, he had not uttered a word, just stood there, his head down. I could feel him brooding over something.
"I don't want to lose you. But this is no better than that. I want to spend more time with you. Celebrate life, make memories with you," My voice took up a pitch full of excitement of its own. Every time I dream of a future with him, my whole body would be in the perfect synchronisation with my brain and heart," I wanna be with you."
"We have somewhat a year together ahead of us before you leave the city, and don't know when you will come back or come back at all. The news is already painful beyond expressing for me. Don't make this any harder. I would have loved to play along with you if I had no feelings for you. But I can't do it anymore because this has become more than just getting physical. I want you to take the chance with me."
"But then again you still have got that ex-file which one shouldn't bring up even if in a relationship let aside in something like ours, but I can't help but think of you all the time. Like I'm obsessed with you, I want to know...know all about you. If not now I wish you would let down your guard someday. And I want you to include me as a part of your life."
"I know you don't like wasting time, so I guess that's what keeps you away from me. You like challenges and I'm a bet won..so why pretend? You didn't want me to feel cheap, so you let it go more than once, or maybe you had you own interest in mind. I don't blame you, this was a mutual agreement..but now this has to stop. You let me go, so I can too."
He doesn't care..he doesn't want you the way you want him to. I kept saying it to myself.
I crawled over to him, sitting on my heels I had his face in my hand. I made him look at me, "Daniel," and just when his eyes met mine," I love you. I have been saying this all along, you never believed or chose not to. When it comes to you 'Action speaks better than words.' So I tried to show you, but I failed," I placed my other hand on my chest," It is not you, It's me. My fault, my expectations, my overthinking, my feelings. Not necessary that you have to feel the same way. And so far I was okay with it. But not anymore. Let's be realists, I can wait for you like I gave my words, but It's not like one morning You suddenly wake up and realize that you love me. No..it doesn't happen like that except in books and movies. What if someone comes into your life, how would I survive that? I can barely tolerate you with any of your female friends and colleagues now." I let out a silly laugh when I realized tears rolling downing my cheeks. I quickly rubbed them off with the back of my hand.
"See, this is what you make out of me. A vulnerable cry baby. I am this strong, confident , outspoken girl with others, but..."
"Woman," he whispered in a low tone as if not wanting me to hear.
I looked at him in confusion," What?"
"Woman."he cleared his thought,"You are not a girl, kiddo." There was a certain hesitation in that tone. He always saw me as a mature woman even at my state of depression and frustration. He supported me, always been a proper guide, helped me in healing my broken past. He was indeed the best thing ever happened to me after my own self.
I saw him forcing a smile while trying to make a joke to lighten up the situation and also his struggle in it. He was usually this smart and funny , and I love laughing and cherishing good times with him but seeing him uncomfortable during my talk made me feel worse. He was always the one in control, making sure even the little time we get together to made special and memorable.
"Haha..ha funny." I lightly punched on his shoulder," Woman it is then. but calling me kiddo makes you what, grandpa?" He pressed his lips to swallowed down his smile, which I took as a hint. I'd got to end it then and leave before I broke down in front of him. A neat breakup was always my plan, only with him..I'm bleeding from the inside and that's pretty messy.
"You are a good man. You make to me want to make a better self out of my old shell. I love you and I always will. But today I am letting you go."
I placed my hands on his chest and put a soft kiss on his lips.
Ah! the last tragic kiss as they call it.
That was it, by letting him go, I freed myself.
(Until I am called again. For once in love forever bounded....especially if it's Satan himself we are talking about.)
P.S- This is for every single woman out there who's confused thinking whether making the first move on your man would have you look too bold or desperate and not taking the lead gets you nowhere.
Courage up ladies, it's time to call your own shots.
Stop it. I scolded myself . Stop it right now.
"Stop what?"
His voice caught me off guard to register I'd said the last part out loud.
"Nothing," I quickly answered to avoid further queries.
He raised an eyebrow in doubt, he knew I lied but thankfully didn't ask anything more.
"Right then, get up on the bed." His sudden bold remark had me stunned. What?!
Then I saw he was working up some notes there and....it was just a statement. Phew!! Stop overthinking. Thank Goodness.
As I was climbing up the bed he said, " Is it because of the heat that You're all covered up?"
I was on my knees and palms when I stopped to look at him over my shoulder, "Yes, it is extremely hot and sunny outside. I don't wanna get burned and I don't even know what exactly I'm here for?"
Great!! Out of nowhere I decided to be sound like a cold-hearted bitch.
What is wrong with me? What am I thinking?
"I mean...I know why I am here. I just didn't.."
"..Know whether you could do that." he completed for me. He smirked as if he could read my thoughts.
I hate it when he is right.
"I am here to talk," I said with a confidence in my tone. "Um, that's why I am here." Am I?
I sat on his bed crossed legs, I didn't know whom I was confirming him or me.
"So you say." He winked just the way he always used to.
He stood there by the side of the bed. I knew just then that He wouldn't take the lead and start what I expect of him.
"Daniel?!"
My suddenly soft,composed tone caught him by surprise, he had never heard me talking in such a low voice.
"I can't do this anymore. None of us knows where exactly we are heading. What this rela..." I gestured my hand between us " whatever this is. We both know how it would have worked in a city like Manhattan, and if it was about someone else...anyone I would have taken it lightly. But with you, it just not the same."
I paused hoping him to say something or at least discard the conversation, yet when he didn't I continued.
"I'm not asking you to leave aside everything else and give me all your time. You know I won't, but you could at least text me first other than when you want me to come over or call me some time just to know how I am...once in a while..maybe. Is that too much to ask for?"
I asked the same question again which I had quite a long time ago..back then his answer was a simple no.
This time, he had not uttered a word, just stood there, his head down. I could feel him brooding over something.
"I don't want to lose you. But this is no better than that. I want to spend more time with you. Celebrate life, make memories with you," My voice took up a pitch full of excitement of its own. Every time I dream of a future with him, my whole body would be in the perfect synchronisation with my brain and heart," I wanna be with you."
"We have somewhat a year together ahead of us before you leave the city, and don't know when you will come back or come back at all. The news is already painful beyond expressing for me. Don't make this any harder. I would have loved to play along with you if I had no feelings for you. But I can't do it anymore because this has become more than just getting physical. I want you to take the chance with me."
"But then again you still have got that ex-file which one shouldn't bring up even if in a relationship let aside in something like ours, but I can't help but think of you all the time. Like I'm obsessed with you, I want to know...know all about you. If not now I wish you would let down your guard someday. And I want you to include me as a part of your life."
"I know you don't like wasting time, so I guess that's what keeps you away from me. You like challenges and I'm a bet won..so why pretend? You didn't want me to feel cheap, so you let it go more than once, or maybe you had you own interest in mind. I don't blame you, this was a mutual agreement..but now this has to stop. You let me go, so I can too."
He doesn't care..he doesn't want you the way you want him to. I kept saying it to myself.
I crawled over to him, sitting on my heels I had his face in my hand. I made him look at me, "Daniel," and just when his eyes met mine," I love you. I have been saying this all along, you never believed or chose not to. When it comes to you 'Action speaks better than words.' So I tried to show you, but I failed," I placed my other hand on my chest," It is not you, It's me. My fault, my expectations, my overthinking, my feelings. Not necessary that you have to feel the same way. And so far I was okay with it. But not anymore. Let's be realists, I can wait for you like I gave my words, but It's not like one morning You suddenly wake up and realize that you love me. No..it doesn't happen like that except in books and movies. What if someone comes into your life, how would I survive that? I can barely tolerate you with any of your female friends and colleagues now." I let out a silly laugh when I realized tears rolling downing my cheeks. I quickly rubbed them off with the back of my hand.
"See, this is what you make out of me. A vulnerable cry baby. I am this strong, confident , outspoken girl with others, but..."
"Woman," he whispered in a low tone as if not wanting me to hear.
I looked at him in confusion," What?"
"Woman."he cleared his thought,"You are not a girl, kiddo." There was a certain hesitation in that tone. He always saw me as a mature woman even at my state of depression and frustration. He supported me, always been a proper guide, helped me in healing my broken past. He was indeed the best thing ever happened to me after my own self.
I saw him forcing a smile while trying to make a joke to lighten up the situation and also his struggle in it. He was usually this smart and funny , and I love laughing and cherishing good times with him but seeing him uncomfortable during my talk made me feel worse. He was always the one in control, making sure even the little time we get together to made special and memorable.
"Haha..ha funny." I lightly punched on his shoulder," Woman it is then. but calling me kiddo makes you what, grandpa?" He pressed his lips to swallowed down his smile, which I took as a hint. I'd got to end it then and leave before I broke down in front of him. A neat breakup was always my plan, only with him..I'm bleeding from the inside and that's pretty messy.
"You are a good man. You make to me want to make a better self out of my old shell. I love you and I always will. But today I am letting you go."
I placed my hands on his chest and put a soft kiss on his lips.
Ah! the last tragic kiss as they call it.
That was it, by letting him go, I freed myself.
(Until I am called again. For once in love forever bounded....especially if it's Satan himself we are talking about.)
P.S- This is for every single woman out there who's confused thinking whether making the first move on your man would have you look too bold or desperate and not taking the lead gets you nowhere.
Courage up ladies, it's time to call your own shots.
No comments:
Post a Comment